Typing away, alone at the dining room table, it’s just me and my coffee – and a half-finished jigsaw puzzle taking up the rest of the table’s surface. Half-finished, almost finished, just started… so many things in my life are like this. I seem to have no traction lately on projects. This in-between-ness is getting to me.
I lay in bed last night for who knows how long – it felt like hours – staring at the ceiling, listening to the heavy air and distant tv sounds. I started getting anxious just lying there, like I was letting someone down by being awake but not doing anything.
The words formed in my mind so clearly, I could almost hear them: “This is wrong.”
This feeling that I must be doing or asleep, and no in between, that is what is wrong. Me of the still-moment capture of haiku, me of the “just notice, just be in this moment”… but I have such a hard time doing just that. Lately I am more me of the task list, me of the prove-it-when-you-do-it mantra.
That makes me sad. Apparently I don’t know how to do summer anymore.
[This post appeared originally in its entirety on Hieropraxis.com. Read the rest here.]